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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29737686">Losing You, Lost Myself</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/adorersvt/pseuds/jadoresvt'>jadoresvt (adorersvt)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SEVENTEEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending?, M/M, repeated mentions of death, short-ish</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:00:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,903</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29737686</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/adorersvt/pseuds/jadoresvt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jihoon ignored the tears streaming down his face as he walked down the empty street alone. He watched his breath fill the air, his hands sliding into his jacket's pockets, his fingers beginning to numb from the cold. He looked down as he walked, the sound of his footsteps crunching on the snow atop the pavement drowned out by the music blasting in his ears.  </p><p>He was startled by the sudden movement beside him, head snapping up on instinct. He watched an oh-so-familiar back walk past him.  </p><p>"Soonyoung?" He called out, eyes darting rapidly, trying to figure out if what he saw was real.  </p><p>He saw the man stop and lift his hand to take out an earphone. He watched as the other turned around, heart thumping loudly in his chest in anticipation. Jihoon's breath hitched when saw a familiar face. </p><p>"Soonyoung..." Jihoon let out a shaky breath, stepping an inch closer to the taller. He slowly reached out a hand, afraid that if he touched him, he would disappear.  </p><p>"Jihoon?"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Losing You, Lost Myself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Follow me on Twitter! @adorersvt @jadoresvt<br/>You can ask me questions through Twitter or my Curious Cat (curiouscat.me/jadoresvt)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> "We'll always be together,  </em> <em> Soonyoungie </em> <em> . I promise, okay? Nothing will make me leave your side and nothing will make me stop loving you."  </em> </p><p><em> The said man closed his eyes at the feeling of his lover's hands on his cheek.  </em> </p><p><em> "I miss you, Jihoon. I don't know if I can live without you any longer. It... It hurts... so much..." </em> </p><p><em> Soonyoung's </em> <em>  eyes fluttered open, hand covering the  </em> <em> youngers </em> <em> . </em> </p><p><em> "I'm always here with you, Soonyoung. Right here." Jihoon placed a hand on the older's chest, right above his heart. "Always." </em> </p><p>Soonyoung jolted upward, breathing hard as he pressed his hand onto his chest. <em> Why </em>? </p><p>"So close..." He whispered into the dark, empty room, tears streaming down his face. "So, so close..." </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, hyung. Another late night?" </p><p>The said man sits on the island chair, startled that his roommate was awake at seven in the morning. </p><p>"Quite the opposite, actually. I woke up at, like, four in the morning," Soonyoung looked up at the other man (who clearly had a question on his tongue), sipping his coffee and ignoring the way the younger looks at him. "What are you doing up so early?"  </p><p>"Ah, right, I meant to tell you yesterday. My sister was in town for business but, since the meeting got canceled, I'll be spending the day with her instead." </p><p>"Tell her I said hi, then, Seungkwan-ah. I haven't seen any of your sisters in a long time," the older smiled softly. "And enjoy the day." </p><p>Seungkwan smiled back before he grabbed his keys and slipped on his shoes. "Well, then, I'll be going now. I'll try to bring home some desserts for you. Then maybe you'll tell me why you woke up so early?" </p><p>Soonyoung shrugged. "Don't worry about me, Kwannie. It was just a bad dream." </p><p>The younger stopped in the doorway, his smile quickly replaced with a frown. "Were you dreaming about him again?" </p><p>"I said don't worry about me, okay? Just have fun today. And you better bring home something sweet!"  </p><p>"Okay, fine, fine. I'll make sure to tell her hi for you, too. See you later, hyung." </p><p>Soonyoung watched as the door shut, hearing the soft click and the distant sound of an elevator door opening. He sighed as he turned his head towards the coffee cup in his hand, the liquid getting cold. "See you later..." </p><p>  </p><p>"Okay, everyone, final run through and then we're done for today!" The brunette yelled to the trainees. "Since it's our final practice for today, I want everyone to act as if we're performing! Positions, please." </p><p>Soonyoung watched as everyone quickly moved to their spots, the thought of going home exciting them. "And five, six, five, six, seven, eight," he counted out loud as the music's volume increased, the lyrics following after his count in.  </p><p> </p><p>Soonyoung sighed as he watched the last trainee leave the room, body hitting the mirror behind him as he slid down. He stared at the speaker across the room, the silence deafeningly loud in his ears. His gaze flicked over to his duffel bag on the floor in the corner of the room, seeing the light from his phone as he got notifications, most likely from Seungkwan.  </p><p>He sighed, looking at the wood beneath him, staring at his hands. When was the last time he got to hold him? It feels like it's been years. Has it been years?  </p><p>He gets up, grabbing his bag as he walks out. He needs to shower. </p><p>After the long, cold shower, Soonyoung threw on whatever he had previously stuffed into his bag. A black shirt, black pants, and an oh-so familiar jacket. He was tempted to place the jacket back in the bag, the pain in his chest too much for him to handle, but he knew he'd get an earful from Seungkwan if the younger knew that he had been walking out without a jacket during winter. Maybe he should choose to let his body suffer so his heart won't have to? No. Jihoon wouldn't want that, even if he was gone. He'd be disappointed. </p><p>Soonyoung sighed as he put on the slightly loose jacket. Does it still smell like him? He lifted the lapel to his nose. Is he glad that it doesn't? He shook his head, throwing his dirty clothes into the bag. He needs to go home before it gets too late. </p><p>The brunette left the building as quick as possible, not wanting to stay in the jacket for too long, fear of breaking down pricking at the back of his head. </p><p>The snow crunched beneath his feet as he took out his phone, ignoring all of the notifications he got within the last ten hours and putting his earphones in. 'Alligator,' ' Décalcomanie,' 'Highlight.' His heart stopped as he stared at his screen, his finger hovering over the song he hasn't heard in years. 'Simple.' </p><p>He clicks the title, the familiar introduction ringing in his ear before the voice that he misses so much plays through his earphones. He doesn't even realize he's hit the repeat button until he placed his phone back into his pocket, his hands following suit.  </p><p><em> I’m standing on the last road for today </em> </p><p><em> It’s like this every day </em> </p><p><em> In this big world </em> </p><p><em> I know I’m like a particle of dust </em> </p><p><em> Nothing is easy </em> </p><p><em> In this exit-less, maze-like world </em> </p><p>Soonyoung's eyes cast downwards as he turned a corner down an empty street, the streetlamps flickering. He pays no mind to it as he continues walking, eyes moving upward and ears focusing on the voice coming out of his earphones. It's so nice to hear, but why does his heart hurt so much?  </p><p>"Soonyoung?" </p><p>The said man turned, taking his right earphone out once he heard his name. What? He looked around, hand holding the earphone by his ear, scanning the dark and empty street. Is he hearing things? It almost sounded as if- </p><p>"Soonyoung..." </p><p>He looked at the spot where he swore someone was calling out to him from, watching the empty spot with longing eyes. It had to be him, right? "Jihoon?" </p><p>Soonyoung stared for a moment too long, shaking his head once he realized no one was there. "It can't be him," he muttered to himself, placing his earphone back in. "He's gone." </p><p>He ignored the feeling of eyes on the back of his head as he walked away. </p><p>  </p><p> </p><p>─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─── </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jihoon sighed for what felt like the hundredth time that night. His mind was empty of ideas and he had no motivation to even look at the screen in front of him.  </p><p>A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts of scrapping the piece altogether.  </p><p>“Come in.” </p><p>The door creaked open, the light from the hallway seeping into the dark room.  </p><p>“Hey.” </p><p>Jihoon spun his chair to see who walked in. “Hey, Cheol.” </p><p>“Rough day?” </p><p>“You have no idea. Usually whenever I’m in a slump like this I go get dinner with-” Jihoon cut himself off, his mouth shutting.  </p><p>Seungcheol sighed as he took a seat on the couch. “You've gotta take a break, Hoon. You’re overworking yourself. You have no inspiration because you’ve made, like, twenty songs in two months. That’s not healthy at all.” </p><p>Jihoon shrugged. “I hit a writer’s block. That’s all, Cheol.” </p><p>“Jihoon, you cannot keep trying to cope with Soonyoung’s-” </p><p>“Please, don’t.” </p><p>Seungcheol sighed again. He closed his eyes for a moment before taking in a deep breath. “You cannot keep trying to use your job as an escape. We’re all here for you.” </p><p>The younger stayed quiet, avoiding eye contact and looking at the ground next to him. </p><p>“The guys and I miss seeing you use your actual room, you know. At this point, Chan could probably take your room and you’d never know.” </p><p>Jihoon shrugged, finally looking back up. “He can if he wants. I’ll room with Seok and Gyu, I don’t mind.” </p><p>“Jihoon, that’s not what I meant and you know it.” </p><p>The producer shook his head. “I can’t... It reminds me too much of S-” Jihoon choked on his words, feeling his eyes suddenly burn with unshed tears. “Sorry...” </p><p>“There’s nothing to be sorry about. We all know how you felt about Soonyoung.” </p><p>He chuckled bitterly. “Yeah, I know.” He let out a shaky breath, feeling a lone tear shed down his face. “I think... I think I’m gonna go on a walk.” He stood up. “Can you close up for me? I’ll meet you back home.” </p><p>“Jihoon-” The older grabbed onto Jihoon’s wrist. </p><p>“Please, Cheol. I promise I’ll come home.” </p><p>Seungcheol pursed his lips in thought before sighing and letting go of the other. “You’d better stay safe. Take my jacket.” </p><p>“It’s fine, I have one here. Keep yours on.” </p><p>Seungcheol watched the younger put his arms into a familiar leather jacket. He watched as Jihoon paused for a moment, lifting the lapel up to his nose before letting out a chuckle. “It still...” He heard him mutter before shaking his head and walking out the door. </p><p>“Oh, Jihoon...” </p><p> </p><p><em> “Soonyoung, please be careful.”  </em> </p><p><em> “Don’t worry,  </em> <em> Jihoonie </em> <em> , I know what I’m doing.” He giggled, walking a little faster, sliding across the snow-covered pavement. </em> </p><p><em> “Oh my god, Youngie! If you slip, you might fracture your shoulder again!” He stood under a flickering  </em> <em> lamppost </em> <em> .  </em> </p><p><em> “You’re overreacting! Come on, we’ll probably freeze out here if we don’t get back to the dorm soon.” </em> </p><p><em> Jihoon tsked, grabbing  </em> <em> Soonyoung’s </em> <em>  outstretched hand. “You were the one trying to see if you could skate on the floor!” </em> </p><p><em> “And you were the one standing still watching me. At least I was still moving.” </em> </p><p><em> “You’re so stupid, Soonyoung.” </em> </p><p><em> “And yet you still love me.”  </em> <em> Soonyoung </em> <em>  sang, moving his face closer to the younger. </em> </p><p><em> Jihoon’s face reddened as he looked away. “Whatever...” </em> </p><p> </p><p>Jihoon ignored the tears streaming down his face as he walked down the empty street alone. He watched his breath fill the air, his hands sliding into his jacket's pockets, his fingers beginning to numb from the cold. He looked down as he walked, the sound of his footsteps crunching on the snow atop the pavement drowned out by the music blasting in his ears.  </p><p>He was startled by the sudden movement beside him, head snapping up on instinct. He watched an oh-so-familiar back walk past him.  </p><p>"Soonyoung?" He called out, eyes darting rapidly, trying to figure out if what he saw was real.  </p><p>He saw the man stop and lift his hand to take out an earphone. He watched as the other turned around, heart thumping loudly in his chest in anticipation. Jihoon's breath hitched when saw a familiar face. </p><p>"Soonyoung..." Jihoon let out a shaky breath, stepping an inch closer to the taller. He slowly reached out a hand, afraid that if he touched him, he would disappear.  </p><p>"Jihoon?"  </p><p>He watched Soonyoung's gaze dart side to side, scanning the alley. He stepped forward, hand still extended, before he stumbled, foot slipping on the snow. He landed on the floor, hands pulsing in pain. Jihoon scrambled to get up, not caring about the pain that was beginning to yell out to him. "Soonyoung! Soonyoung!" </p><p>His breath quickened as he tried to follow the other, Soonyoung's voice muffled and small, figure getting farther and farther away.  </p><p>"Soonyoung, no, please!" He cried out, desperately, watching the other fade away. "No..."  </p><p>He stared at the spot that the other was just at a moment before, hand still reaching out to him. </p>
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